-
Thinking about the box or three of stuffed animals I need to get rid of. I want to cry just thinking about it. And now my bunny might have to go because he’s messing up stuff at my boyfriend’s house.
If I can’t part with years of inanimate objects, how do I part with an animate one?
-
why am i awake?
ive made my pre moving check list
i got to skype with j
the trains are out making train sounds and i love to listen to them
so why am i still awake, watching tool assisted speed runs and now about to flip through tumblr?
ill just shut off my netbook now.
-
spent a lot of today seizing.
my stress is manefesting itsself into something physical and i don’t like it.
i applied online for a job at the lion’s den. that would be neat. i need to have some kind of job lined up before i move back to columbus.
i don’t know what else to say. i just opened tumblr and felt like typing something. my mind is somewhere else or something. i feel so disconnected. i’ve been taking all my meds. i haven’t smoked in a while since i’ve been broke and i’d rather buy food than weed. there are so many things i need to take care of but for some reason just put off.
that, or i sleep until it’s too late to call any of the people i need to call.
why am i such a mess?
-
had a dream i chewed up my earplug and pulled the filters apart.
they were expensive. i’m glad i didn’t actually do that.
-
oh shit
nic
i need to be mindful of how it makes me feel. it easily makes me manic out till it’s gone or i calm down and remember i had nicotine.
that’s probably what caused me to blow up twitter the other day. i woke up to my ecig lighting itsself. took me a few seconds to place the sound, cause it’s a very specific one… but it normally doesn’t happen when my ecig is in my face. a little concerning, because that may mean my battery is bad (and it’s a very sexy extra long kr808-d: stealth model with no light, black with bright blue splatter paint. and i have a matching drip tip and carts :3). i disconnected the cart and batt and cleaned the battery contacts. i’ll just have to leave the parts apart when not in use. oh well.
k that’s all.
-
i wish i had the words to describe how i’m feeling so i could write it down and get it out of my head.
i only work 2 days a week because i need the other days to recuperate from working overnight. i don’t even get anything done with my time other than sleep.
at least i had a good time this weekend.
work in 4 hours. i need to get some motivation going or something.
-
it’s 6 in the morning and i’m sitting in front of my computer rocking front to back because i’m terrified to go into work today.
when i left last, i knew donna didn’t like me. it turns out i left my work notes sitting out and she read them. i mentioned things about my medications and that i wasn’t looking forward to there being a bunch of kids in the lobby one day and everyone seems to be overracting.
my job placement lady called to tell me and ask if i was on my meds and i was crying explaining how i have no money and how i knew donna didn’t like me for whatever reason.
i’d rather just go back to sleep instead of deal with this.
-
I was killing some time after work walking around Giant Eagle when I came to the lobster case. A few of them had barnicles on them, still alive, sticking their little arms out to grab particles of whatever is around to eat.
I’m a barnicle. I don’t hurt anything, even if I’m a little annoying. I find something to attach myself to and stay there, simply soaking up what’s going on around me.
No wonder I’m single. No one wants barnicles stuck to them. They’re creepy little things.
-
cadburry is wiling out on his pellets. cute.
i actually took a shower. i feel a bit better.
my paycheck from my second week of work never showed up. i have zero money until that gets here. i talked with my job placement person, she checked with her boss, my timesheet was indeed submitted.
my bank credit card is completely maxed. it had about 30 bucks on it, but because i don’t have money to make a payment, they took 30some as punishment. fuck banks.
my other credit card has 4 dollars on it. it was overcharged by a few cents so i put 5 bucks on it.
i owe target about 50 dollars. i already told them i’ll pay soon.
i paid for my car insurance with my last paycheck. an 80 some dollar bill out of a 100 some dollar paycheck. i bought gas with the rest.
i haven’t bought adderall (which i have a prescription for), my psych never called my depakote into caremark so I need to remember to call them back so they do it. i haven’t bought weed. i’ve smoked all my kief.
and i was even planning on leaving the house yesterday, going to see a friend, but i can’t afford the gas to drive to kent and back.
still waiting on ssi to come through. i’m sure i’ll get denied and i’ll have to do it all over again or however it works when they deny you. like most things having to do with my disability, i’m not very hopeful because i don’t feel disabled… even though i suck at life.
i want to apply for food stamps, but i don’t know how it works and the website for applying is overwhelming (like the ssi paperwork was, but worse). i need to talk to my case worker and see if he can help me with it.
i have no idea what i’m doing. somehow, i need more help than what i’m already getting.
-
I get one thing going right and two things fall apart. Work is going well, but I haven’t showered in a week and haven’t taken my meds regularly. I’m meeting new people, but my relationships with my current friends are faltering and I don’t know how to keep certain details to myself to save others from jealousy. I don’t know what else is going right, but my space is a disaster and I have $16 in my bank account with more than one bill due this week. I should get paid again Thursday or Friday, but it will hardly be enough to cover my bills and buy groceries and gas and whatever else. I don’t know what to do.
So, I took a few melatonins and imma sleep and not think about it…
-
There is nothing like a bong hit to clear your mind from whatever distraction was going to lead you to thinking negatively about yourself…
and then when you’re finally done coughing, you look back up and continue from wherever you left off. 2 minutes, done, back to work.
Optimally, I would not lose concentration to begin with. Now, for any reason that would fit inside this explanation, my concentration is shit. I have ADD… maybe ADHD, I don’t really know. I’ve never gotten a straight answer out of any of my doctors. Until I can learn to deal with my feelings and impulses on my own, I take medication.
I would do anything to have a prescription for weed instead of adderall. :/
-
i don’t know how loud i’m allowed to be
and i have no idea how / am afraid to ask
-
there is absolutely nothing i feel like doing, not even sleep or smoke
fuck depression
-
okay. time to eat something… i haven’t since breakfast with E after work Monday-Tuesday. so it’s been over 24 hours. well, i had two cookies a few hours ago, but that’s it.
i just don’t feel like eating. i don’t want to go downstairs and make food. i don’t want to physically eat it, like the action of eating. there’s nowhere comfortable for me to eat, regardless. if i felt like getting dressed, leaving the house, and coming back, maybe i’d get some fast food, but i don’t feel like getting dressed and leaving the house, let alone go downstairs and throw something in the microwave.
i’m out of most of my meds, which is bad news. waiting on caremark to ship most of it to me. you would think, since they prefer i get my meds from them, and the bottles aren’t even filled by humans, i’d have my meds quicker. at least then i’ll have 3 months worth and that’s more than enough time to remember to order more. only thing i have right now is toviaz, and that’s just for my bladder.
okay, my tummy is too grumbly to the point where it’s making me feel ill. i think i’ll just zap a hot pocket or something. i’ll eat before i go to work too.
okay, good meeting. let’s go out there and have a great day on the floor. don’t forget to upsell!
